40. St. Patrick's Day

Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Daoibh

Well now, today is March the 17th - Saint Patrick's Day and as there are many Australians with an Irish background, here's a bit of Irish humour.

 

Above: Paddy's Irish Bar
(Photo take in Kalgoorlie)

Why did the Irishman wear 2 condoms? " To be sure, to be sure "

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship.
Paddy says "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight".
Murphy says "Everyone will be watching the band".
Paddy says "There isn't a band playing tonight".
Murphy says "I definitely heard some fellow say "A band on ship"!

Paddy Murphy arrived at Tullamarine airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An old Aussie bloke asked him if he was homesick.
"No", replied the Irishman. "It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage"
"That's terrible, how did that happen?"
"The cork fell out of me bottle" Said Paddy

"How far is it to the next village?" asked the American tourist. "It's about seven miles," guessed the farmer. "But it's only five if you run"

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

27. The "Real" Australia

How do we define the "real" Australia? Many times people who are planning on visiting Australia want to see the "real" Australia. I remember one lady saying, "I am traveling to Australia. It will be my first time traveling outside the United States and my first time traveling alone. I would love any advice. I am hoping to see the "real" Australia, not the tourist Australia. I would also like the opportunity to meet some new people."

Australians with their natural sense of the ridiculous and the humourous love to take the mickey - Beware the Drop Bear, Walking Toad, The Galah, the snakes, spiders and other nasty creepy-crawlies like the Blue Tongue Lizard, sharks, (esp. the White Pointer), salties, crocs, red bellies, black bellies, funnel webs, dingoes and those nasty fish that can kill you if you stand on them. Not to mention the box jelly fish!
And speaking of spiders, there was even a song written about one Redback On The Toilet Seat

Anyway, my advice for those wanting to see the "real" Australia:

1) Go the Footy on Saturday arvo, barrack for a team, and abuse the umpie, a time honoured tradition that - abusing the ump, then go to the local pub and get pissed to the eyeballs.

2) Stay at the Railway Hotel in West Melbourne, you'll meets lots of "locals" and have a chin-wag.

3) Say "bl**dy good tucker this" when eating at the pub

4) Eat a dead horse

5) Go to Centrelink- join the dole queue

6) Learn to call ketchup tomato sauce - pronounced to-mahto

7) Say, "My shout" at the pub - you'll have instant friends & everybody will love you. Remember when it's your shout, you don't walk away.

8) If you're a bloke and want some entertainment, go to St. Kilda of an evening.

9) Drive on the left-hand side of the road.

10) Drive slowly - see our country; drive fast and see our gaols.

If you follow the above suggestions, I guarantee you, you will see the real Australia.